10 Qualities All Assistants Should Aquire

So, I found out on Monday that my boss is looking to replace me. He assured me that I would not be out of a job and he would give me ample time to find work. In fact he would like to keep me on as his personal assistant. SMACK- what now? Do I look like Mrs. Fucking Cleaver? If that wasn't bad enough he went on to explain all of the reasons why I would make a great assistant; like answering the phone and scheduling his meetings. Which is exactly why I spent four years and a fortune on a college degree.

Why do I think I was the lucky pick:

1) Big Boobs- a must for an assistant in the office. Low cut shirt...optional
2) Ignore the balding spot- no matter how large it seems to be getting
3) "HAHAHA your so funny!"
4) No you didn't just see him grab crotch while you were trying to ask him a serious question regarding the office.
5) Dirty dish from lunch that you left conveniently on my desk- sure I'll clean it...pass the Dial!
6) Cute voice, sexy tone makes one hell of a message taker.
7) No I don't need help carrying the 20 lbs bag filled with your lecture materials...oh shit but do you mind picking up those papers that just fell on the ground. No...that's okay I can get them....
8) No intercom- fine just yell my name across the office every time you need something faxed...I'll hear you.
9) Of course I take full responsibility for you running late- there is no excuse for me not reminding you for a third time you needed to be on the road by 11:45am.
10)"Yes Sir I'm On It"

Oh there is nothing more satisfying then being the office bitch.